It was a Monday morning and at the time I was still working at my internship in the city. Since it was surprisingly nice out, I decided to wear a dress. [Aside To clarify for later purposes, I was wearing a long dress that went down below my knee. I was not wearing some short dress that makes you paranoid about it riding up and you spend the whole day pulling it down. Maybe if I had been I would have been better off. End of aside] I was running late for some reason that I have now forgotten and I missed the train I normally take to work. The next train into the city would still allow me to make it to work on time, but I would be cutting it close. So I was already starting the day a little on edge because I knew I would have to be quick getting off the train and walking to work.
If you’ve never been to Penn Station on a Monday morning, let me paint you a picture. It’s a hectic explosion of people, all with different purposes, trying to get to their destination on time. It’s hard to fight the sea of business men and women so you move with them almost like a school of fish. You can try to dodge and weave, but at some point you just have to stop and go along with the crowd.
As I exited Penn Station tightly wedged in the commuter crowd, I walked over a subway grate. Just like Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch, I was standing over a subway grate when the train passed underneath causing a breeze to lift my skirt up. Unlike her it was not a sexy, iconic scene in cinema, but an awkward flailing of arms as I tried to quickly push my skirt down from above my head. I hoped that I was wedged in the large crowd enough that nobody saw my cute, yet still appropriate, underwear. Besides everyone was focused on getting to work and not paying attention to me. Boy was I wrong.
After just beginning to think that I had avoided embarrassment, I heard the voice of god, or Morgan Freeman or maybe the Allstate commercial guy, whichever you prefer, yell “I JUST SAW HER PANTIES”. I glance back and there, pointing directly at me, was a homeless man. Well if people didn’t notice me while it was happening they sure noticed me now. Who could miss the booming voice of [INSERT WHICHEVER VOICE YOU PREFERRED]? Everyone in the crowd turned toward me. Some people were laughing or smiling, many people looked very confused, others just wanted to get to work and were annoyed by this distraction that disrupted the flow of the group. I like to think one business man out there was thinking “Damn girl!”, but that may just be wishful thinking.
After that mortifying incident, I kept my head down trying not to make eye contact with anyone, especially the homeless man. I continued to walk with the crowd until the first opportunity I found to exit the mob. Just in case you were wondering I made it to work on time and my co-workers and friends all enjoyed hearing about my morning commute. My favorite comment was from one of my co-workers who said “Hey that was probably the highlight of that guy’s day.” That’s me. Helping the homeless of New York one pantie shot at a time.
Looking back, I don’t know if I should interpret
what happened as the cities way of saying “Welcome. You have been mortified in
public by a homeless man. You are now a true New Yorker!” or “Get out of here
Jersey girl. Give my regards to Chris Christie and the cast of the Jersey Shore.” I wonder how the story
would have played out if that morning I had decided to put on a thong or even worse
my period grandma drawers. But what puzzles me the most from that day is why
the homeless man used the word panties? There are so many other words he could have chosen. Underwear, undies, drawers, intimate things. (well I'm glad he didn't say the last one. That would be even weirder.) I guess it will just have to remain a mystery.
So there you go my "movie story". I hope it was everything you wanted and more. Moral of the story always wear clean underwear because you never know when the world might see them.
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